Steady in the Middle of it All
It’s the first days of spring – what happens in you when you remember that?
The equinox brings an equal amount of daylight and darkness, and it’s a good time to explore balance. Balance lies at the heart of what I practice and teach. I've written about how balance is dynamic, I've discussed ways to stay rooted and unshakeable in the face of social and personal trauma, and how consistency in practice can lead to a balanced acceptance of difficult states of being.
Over the years, as I dived deeper into the Buddhist way and devoted more time to meditation and daily mindfulness, I began to experience one of the fruits of the practice: equanimity. Equanimity, or upekkha (the original Pali word), is one of the Seven Factors of Awakening, described as neutrality of mind or, as literally translated by Bhikkhu Bodhi, "there in the middleness." A somewhat awkward construction, but it accurately describes the experience of equanimity.
Mental neutrality might sound cold, removed, or even boring, but the truth is just the opposite. Rather than being disconnected or indifferent to life's experiences, equanimity puts one right in the middle of whatever is occurring, in a steady balanced way so that one is not thrown off by the ups and downs of daily life.
In his book Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening, Joseph Goldstein says that "it would be hard to overestimate [the] beneficial effects" of equanimity:
The first way we experience the cool, restful quality of equanimity is in the peace and balance it brings to our daily lives. Each of us is touched by what are called "the eight worldly vicissitudes." These are the endlessly changing conditions of gain and loss, praise and blame, fame and disrepute, and pleasure and pain. When equanimity is developed, we ride these waves with balance and ease. Without it, we're tossed about by the waves, often crashing into the circumstances of our lives. [p. 278]
Learning to surf the waves of life requires a commitment to turn toward direct experience, to include whatever is arising with acceptance, to learn how to balance in the gap between stimulus and response. Equanimity develops as the other factors of awakening are cultivated, and mindfulness is the link between them all.
I have known the joy of calm, collected awareness, sitting right in the middle of it all, without preference or agenda. I've been able to experience this because of my years of practicing the Alexander Technique, a bodymind method of restoring balance and awareness in movement. I have lived in a state of equanimity for hours or even days while on retreat, and in my daily meditation practice equanimity often reveals itself as my concentration of mind and devotion of heart get deeper and more tangible.
This all becomes possible whenever I am willing to be fully "there in the middleness." This is how I approached my recent bout of COVID-19. In addition to feeling physically ill, I was annoyed that I had caught this virus, something I managed to avoid for three years. In getting curious about my annoyance, I realized (not for the first time) that I sometimes suffer from a sense of exceptionalism: why is this happening to me? I’m not supposed to get this thing. That’s just another habit pattern of the mind, and it is simply a form of aversion, or resistance to the way it is. Mindfulness practice uproots this afflictive state (as well as its partners greed and delusion). So I decided to accept the reality of life with COVID, and allowed myself to stay right in the middle of the experience.
What I discovered is a renewed sense of awe and respect for the body and its ability to process and heal from the imbalances it experiences. That’s what illness is, after all – an imbalance in the bodymind. I knew that I was protected by multiple vaccinations and a safe home, decent food, and clean water. I have lots of dear friends who reached out in solidarity, sending both practical and luxurious supplies and messages of care. I was in the midst of an unpleasant and often painful experience and also in the center of the love and power of healing and positive change.
To be honest, I definitely had periods where I forgot all this, and endured self-pity and despair. But when I managed to sit in the middle of that, too, what I (re)discovered is that simply being willing to accept reality made the unpleasantness pass more quickly. “Self-pity feels like this,” I’d say to myself. “Pain and weakness feel like this.”
And now that I’m better, I can find balance and equanimity with the ever-changing nature of life, surfing the big and small changes as they arise. I can sit here at my desk right now and access an easy balance whenever I choose to.
May these early days of spring bring you the possibility of balance and ease. If you are curious about how to develop and strengthen these qualities, please consider how Alexander work, mindfulness meditation, or Somatic Release bodywork could be a help to you as you explore how to maintain a steady relationship with reality.