Meeting High Anxiety with Embodied Awareness
Under duress, we do not rise to our expectations, but fall to our level of training. – Bruce Lee
Several years ago, I found myself in a challenging situation that felt like a crisis, in spite of knowing that it wasn't -- at least not yet. My husband, who has a history of heart problems, was experiencing dizziness and other symptoms that might have indicated another heart attack, so some friends took him to a nearby ER. I got a phone call to consult about whether the ER visit was necessary, and I agreed that it was a good idea. During this discussion I was a model of calm concern. I remembered to stay grounded in my body, to breathe, to listen carefully. My dear one was in New York City and I was in Philadelphia, so it made sense to wait for a report from the ER before deciding whether to take any action, like hopping the next train to Manhattan.
[If you prefer, you can watch a video where I tell this story.]
I don't know about you, but waiting patiently is not my strong suit. Having nothing constructive to do feels helpless, and that is not a feeling I enjoy. I did what I had been doing, which is to breathe, send positive healing energy to my husband and those caring for him, and get back to the tasks at hand, hoping to be distracted from the supremely unhelpful running commentary in my mind.
That really didn’t work very well. My mind might have been distracted for a bit, but I could feel my body contracting in fear and it became impossible to focus on anything other than attempting to calm myself through breathing. After a while, I had the bright idea to post on Facebook: What is your go-to method for letting go of worry when there is zero you can do about a scary situation?
I got a lot of very interesting answers, and many of them are listed below. Some are religious or spiritual, some are body-based, some are psychological. These are practical, easy things anyone can do under duress.
And hallelujah, it wasn't a heart attack. Just a wakeup call.
From this experience I learned at least three important lessons about anxiety.
1) Anxiety is a human feature, not a flaw. Most of us get anxious from time to time, and in this case, it was a normal reaction. Anxiety is a generally useful emotion that helps us to see potential threats, makes us concerned with social acceptance or rejection, and keeps us on alert to being deceived.
Our brains are hard-wired to be on the lookout for trouble on the horizon. This is known as “negativity bias.” In my situation there was real trouble, but the anxiety reaction wasn’t so much about the news of David going to the ER; it showed up in between the first call and the next one saying he was okay, in the interval where I felt helpless. My mind did its thing, which was to imagine all the worst case scenarios. This is normal functioning. Unpleasant, but natural.
The thoughts about what is wrong or will go wrong are not a problem. Suffering and painful anxiety arises because of our attachment to them, our belief in those thoughts. Recognizing this gave me the second lesson.
2) Moments of anxiety are an opportunity to learn about yourself. Fear is not something to be afraid of or ashamed about. I’ve noticed in myself and in working with many people and their fears that self-judgment apparently goes hand in hand with anxiety. Feeling anxious or worried is not a failure in your quest for calm, it’s an opportunity for skill-building.
A lot of the time the anxious state we find ourselves in is not even specific to a situation. You just wake up feeling anxious. If you struggle with that free-floating anxiety, it’s likely that anxiety has become a habit for you. Many of our habits have developed to help us reduce stress or satisfy emotional needs, even if they don’t always benefit us long-term. Much of the time we don’t even know we are behaving habitually. Our habits exist in loops that consist of a trigger, a behavior, and a result. (Judson Brewer has made a lifetime investigation of habits and how mindfulness brings lasting change.)
When you’re in one of these habit loops, you can pause. Notice what’s happening. And just hang out with it as it is. In spite of trying to distract myself with office tasks, I noticed I was suffering, and I stopped. I set down what I was trying to do and allowed myself to feel the worry fully.
It wasn’t until I allowed full present-moment embodied feeling that I got an idea about something to do that might help. And from that I learned lesson number three.
3) Anxiety can be isolating. When you’re caught up in an anxious loop or feeling overwhelmed with worry, you don’t have to go it alone. Because we seem to have shame or self-judgment about feeling afraid, you might find it challenging to ask for support. But I discovered that telling folks how worried I was and asking for their ideas gave me options I wouldn’t have otherwise had. It made me feel like I was sharing the burden with caring friends.
Certainly there are times when interacting with other people might be the wrong choice; if you’re in the middle of a full-blown panic attack, you probably can’t relate to anyone else. But reaching out to tell someone else how afraid you are, what your worries are like, and how awful you feel can be the best medicine. Just think about those people in Italy who sang together through their open windows during the early months of pandemic lockdown, how it eased their isolation and fear. This is just as natural a reaction to difficulty as the fight, flight, or freeze response. Researchers have identified a behavioral response called Tend and Befriend, where mammals come together in mutual support during adversity.
So that’s what I did, through social media. In the old days I might have picked up the phone to call a good friend, and we’d brainstorm together. But one advantage of the internet is the ability to crowdsource, and my request for advice netted me a cornucopia of ideas. More importantly, I felt heard, cared for, and supported. I felt less alone.
When you are in grip of worry and paralyzing fear, it may help to remember these three truths: 1) it’s your nervous system operating normally, 2) you can learn more about your habits of reaction as you allow yourself to feel the anxiety fully in your body, and 3) you can share the burden you are carrying with others.
Coping Methods that were Shared with Me:
Breathe.
Pray.
A prayer I use is "God is with me now and all is well."
Something I've used with some success is the idea that if there is no solution, it is not a problem but rather an event -- like, say, a rainstorm. Problems have solutions that require planning and sometimes can benefit from a bit of timely worry.
I try to stay very present. Wash hands, feel temperature, etc. ...keep coming back....and of course breathe.
Going for a run.
Do an activity you enjoy - reading, crafts, TV, walking, etc.
Put on a song I love and focus on the music. Breathe with it.
Placing yourself firmly in the present can help. Rub your toe into the floor to remind yourself where you are. Grasp something small, whatever is close by.
Say the Serenity prayer.
I remember I am never alone, whether I simply visualize love and support from my community or reach out like you are doing now.
4-7-8 breathing. From Dr. Andrew Weil. Breathe deep to count of 4. Hold to count of 7. Exhale to count of 8.
Look at the big blue sky. Makes every worry seem small.
Worrying is praying for what you don't want; it is always better to just pray.
Herbs that ease anxiety and fear - motherwort, oatstraw, nettle, skullcap.
Looking at what is the worst case scenario and asking if you can survive it. Thank Mother-Father God for giving you the strength to deal with it.
Trust my gut to take the next step. I choose to take one step at a time without trying to figure out an ultimate solution. I remember I'm not alone.
Relax your pelvic floor. You will feel better immediately.
I put my favorite one last. I cannot tell you how often that has made all the difference for me. I know it's not helpful or even necessary for others, but I'm so grateful to my Alexander colleague for reminding me of this.
Next time you feel like you are in a tough situation that is out of your hands (perhaps every day right now) -- try one of these methods. Or combine several: Breathe and look at the big blue sky and relax your pelvic floor muscles while you remember that you are not alone. And ask for help on social media; people just love giving advice!