Fear is Not the Enemy
Four weeks until I leave here and arrive at IMS.
That thought occurs, and I get activated.. I feel the squeeze in my heart, my belly, all over. It's really powerful sometimes, this reaction to thinking ahead about the retreat. But I'm glad to see it, truth be told. I feel joy in recognizing the fruits of my practice and ongoing training. I didn’t used to be able to make a connection between having thoughts and my body’s sensory response. So although I feel terrified at thoughts of this retreat, it's just so wonderful that I can be curious about my terror. I don't have to marinate in it, or act it out, or shove it away. I don't have to do anything about it or to it or for it or because of it. Knowing this makes me laugh out loud.
Going on a 3-month retreat is daunting. Now and then I wonder just how I'm going to handle it, but because I've done many retreats and gained some skills, I have attained the ability to wonder and not freak out for more than a minute or so. The very thing that I feel scared about is what helps me not be stymied by that fear.
Is that irony? I'm never sure.
I learned a long time ago that I don't have to be afraid of fear. It's an energy, and a rather unpleasant one -- unless you're choosing a scary book or film as entertainment. It can be mild and continuous or sudden and strong, but as emotions go, it's one of the easiest to recognize. And one of the hardest to bear.
We all seem to judge fear negatively, which makies sense since it feels so awful. Our culture judges fear as a weakness or shortcoming, but it might help to remember that fear is a friend. Like pain, it's a signal. It shows up to warn of potential threats or to predict possible outcomes based on perceived conditions or behaviors. Unfortunately, the brain can be an overachiever, and once the mind has seen one scary event it tends to see them everywhere. This is known as negativity bias and it is why we tend to assume the worst, even if something good might be happening. We don’t feel afraid because we lack faith or courage. It’s a function of the nervous system.
So fear itself is not the enemy, but those mental projections charged with fear certainly can be. I am grateful to be learning the difference, because I can handle feeling afraid. It's just like every emotion, it comes and goes. I can't control that, but I can surf the waves. Sometimes fear hangs around longer than I wish it would, and when that happens I can acknowledge "bored with fear" or "tired of fear" or "not liking fear!" or whatever. Writing about it helps.
Those fearful thoughts that bring on the physical discomforts of fear -- muscle tension, holding the breath, heart racing, brow furrowing, jaw clenching, etc. -- they are as insubstantial as soap bubbles. It is so much easier to see the thoughts, feel the effects in my body, and let it be. Okay, yep, this is fear. Terrified feels like this. Once I can relate to it like that, I can get interested in it. If fear is a signal, what is it saying to me?
That's literally how I began this writing today. I had the thought "only four weeks until retreat" and my whole system just got flooded with what I assume is adrenaline and I felt my body pull in on itself, like a turtle into her shell. I truly felt panicky. At the exact same time, or perhaps a millisecond later, I also felt so much love for IMS and for myself in going there, plus a big hit of "kid on Halloween" excited anticipation.
I found that fascinating; I gave it my attention. What is this about? What's the big deal here? There were a lot of answers to those questions when I inquired inside. I saw some version of Little Me having scary thoughts and big ol' emotions, and I remembered my teacher's advice to notice how clinging to the concept of Me Going on Retreat causes suffering. I was so pleased I remembered to notice that, The moment I saw my unwise view, I felt the fear just melt away. No more squeeze, just expansion and ease.
I made several other connections too, but they all boil down to this: I can relax when I accept that I’ve made an important choice in my life. This is meaningful, it matters a great deal to me, and it all seems extra intense because of that. Some humungous waves of fear and joy and excitement and gratitude and more, all coming at me.
That's okay, I'm learning to surf.