The Power of Self-Love

Did you cringe a little when you read that? I did when I wrote it. "Self-love" is a loaded term. Does it seem egotistic and self-centered? Kinda weak? Does it carry an unwholesome sexual connotation? Do you hear "selfish" when you hear "love yourself?"

If so, you are not alone. For years, I waved away notions of self-love as indulgent navel-gazing, an attempt to escape from the "realities" of the world and its troubles. Even through many years of effective, healing psychotherapy and training as an Alexander teacher, I managed to ignore the underdeveloped skills of kindness and compassion toward myself.

It wasn't until my first long  retreat at Insight Meditation Society (IMS) that I was able to see clearly how deficient I was in this regard. During a particularly restless sit, I (finally) heard how terribly mean I was being to myself. Instead of accepting that restlessness was present, I struggled to calm it down and make it go away. Then, knowing this was not a skillful way to handle this hindrance, I started judging my lack of skill. When I noticed my over-efforting layered on top of the struggle, did I let go and begin again? No. I further berated myself and got even tighter and more miserable.

"This is intolerable!" I thought. Indeed, the pressure I was creating was extremely unpleasant, painful even. Then I remembered the story of how Eckhart Tolle reached a point of agonizing internal pressure one night, how he kept hearing himself say, "I cannot live with myself any longer." And then he wondered, "who is the I  that I cannot live with?" And so I, too, wondered something similar: "Who is pressuring me so relentlessly right now?"

I saw the answer instantly, and I stopped. Or to be more precise, “it” stopped, simply by seeing and naming it. And just like that, my suffering in that moment ended. There remained some restless swirling of mental activity, but otherwise my system opened, relaxed, and found ease.

Then this new understanding blossomed, filling my consciousness with a radical new truth: No one has been more abusive or tortured me more than Me. For years, I carried around the identity of a survivor, someone who had triumphed over the dysfunction of her early years to emerge smart, brave, capable, and caring. While that is accurate as far as it goes, I used that story as a shield, the main thing I wanted people to see about me, because underneath it all I still held a lot of shame and hostility toward myself which I wasn’t willing or able to admit.

It takes longer to describe than it did to experience this insight. In remembering it, I’m amazed at how liberation happens in an instant. Clear seeing does not take a long time. I was appalled and elated in equal measure as I realized how much power I now had – the power of choice. And it’s not like the actual content of the insight (“I am consistently hateful toward myself”) was news. I spent many years learning to forgive myself for the abuse I suffered at others’ hands. This was different, deeper, more truthful, understood in a way that was more than mere cognitive knowledge or psychological reframing.

I spent much of that afternoon crying bitter tears. Then I forgave myself for being such an excellent mimic, having taken on the role of torturer from the people who taught me how to be that way. From that point on I have done my best to notice when I treat myself with disrespect and hostility, in ways large or small. I have improved the way I talk to myself and don’t accept certain messages when they appear. The other morning when I poured OJ into my coffee mug instead of the juice glass and automatically said “idiot!” I reminded myself that I’m not allowed to speak to me like that anymore. I try to lighten up a bit, appreciating the fact that I’m a goofy human, like everybody.

If any of this sounds familiar, please rest assured that you do not need to go on a long silent meditation retreat to begin changing self-hatred into self-love. Charlie Chaplin did this, and as far as I know he was not practicing the dharma. However he did it, he learned how to transform into a loving, happy individual, and he wrote about the fruits of this practice quite beautifully. On Loving Myself is part roadmap, part manifesto, part confession. The first statement sums up exactly what I realized on retreat:

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I am living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is "Authenticity."

The angst I cause myself with self-loathing and disrespect masks my authentic nature, which is loving, kind, compassionate, joyful, and steady. I am learning to accept these truths and to feel my way into living without the harsh treatment I have become so good at. I’ve rediscovered my own good heart, and the amazing power that comes with self-love.